(part 2) The Jungle

Welcome to Saint-Antoine Hospital, ER, aka. the Jungle.

I swear they were trying to kill me. It may have been the drugs, but I'm pretty sure there was a grand conspiracy in both the ER and the hospital to "off the American."

I arrive to Saint Antoine Emergency Room in Paris on Saturday afternoon. The non-cute paramedic takes me in to the jungle, telling me jokes (in French) and looking at me like he expects a laugh. If I could have made a fist, I'm not kidding you, I would have bopped him one good.

So once inside the jungle, one of the nurses puts me on a wheelie bed and I am so thankful to be lying down, I just want to nap as I am so exhausted.However, I am immediately told, "no nap, no sleep, just in case..." OK, well lets hurry this along then. Didn't they know who I was? Surely I had to know someone at this hospital...if I could just have a quick peep around...Oh who was I kidding? Sometimes even I wonder who I am. To thinkI am going to be admitted to a FRENCH hospital, a non-french speaker, run into someone I know, and then be the very first one looked after. I could see it in my thoughts."Hurry! Go make sure the American is OK!" Riiiiight....

Ok so 4 hours later, I am diagnosed with Viral Menengitis. Bring on the Sars Masks!
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/meningitis-topic-overview

Everybody that entered "Box 3"(my little ER room) had to wear a mandatory mask. Even me. [Side note here, but its funny how karma works-- since 2001 I've had a mild fascination/preoccupation with the Sars mask phenomenon particularly that stemmed from the Burberry Sars Season. And now here I was starring in my own sars mask line. Not Burberry. I think it's called M3 and they also make post-its.] Anyway...

I'm pretty sure at this point I'd reached the end of my line, so it didnt matter what kind of mask I had. I had a french doctor that was now telling me he had to take this special kind of test that would essentially remove liquid from my spine. And not to mince words, he kindly added, "This WILL hurt, so we'll need you to hold still and if you want, we can give you some gas before that should help with some of the pain."
Um, Ok.
So I'm breathing like a maniac to try and get as much gas as possible into my system before he gets going. The doctor keeps coming over to me while I'm inhaling his magic toxins and asking if I'm Ok. I was. The problem was, this shit wasnt working fast enough and I felt way too coherent to be probed in any sort of menacing way. But because its the ER, I could feel his time line closing in on me, and I had only a few puffs left. Fuck. I didn't want this. I didnt want this. I didnt want this. I think even on the gas I may have tried to click my heels like Dorothy in the Whiz. Unfortunately, I had no shoes or socks on, so my dreams were quickly smashed.

The Nurse sat me up and she and the doctor got behind me. The next thing I know, there is a VERY large needle curving into my spine and I have never, ever, make no mistake about it, felt pain like this before in my life. I cry. Loudly. I was now the girl in Box 3 who was not going to make it. Meanwhile, the Doctor is saying "perfect.perfect."

Excuze moi, Doctor? Perfect? Are you joking me? F Off! I should have killed you and that stupid paramedic when I had the chance! et Voila. Spine check= done.

Next up? IV's and Brain scans? Great! Can't wait.

"Deeahnne, we now go to check your brain for damage and after that we hook you up to IV, ok?" Do I have a choice?
So the nurse wheels me into another section where the labs and scans are and hands me off to two 20-something "dude's" that run the lab. Right before I am automated into the MRI/Xray machine is when the Doctor appears and says, "its forbidden to move your head." I was so stressed out now. He didnt indicate how long I would be in there or how long the process would take, just that it was forbidden for me to move. And we all know saying something like that to someone is like saying, "Hot plate! Don't touch!"

I was now completely out of sorts, feeling compelled, and sweating profusely from 1) the fever and 2) the stress of not moving my head a centimeter, or else! When the Jack Nicholson head strap velcroed tight over my head, all I could do was begin making out my christmas list. Oh, that and determining who the lucky individual would be to inherit my itouch.
I go in. I come out. Time escaped me here, but it felt like forever. I needed to call my Dad.
et voila. Head check= done.

Back through the jungle and back into Box 3. Yes, still wearing Sars Mask! 3 hours later...

Lets do blood now shall we? Before I get into this, let me tell you, I have a severe case of needle-phobia. I detest needles. They detest me more. I have been known to pass out even on sight of a needle. Big or small, no matter. This is where the adult Deeahnne exits the building and the biggest baby on earth enters. I cry. I plead. I sob. I beg for mercy and God and if you could just NOT stick a needle in me, we'll all be better off. However...

Here at Saint Antoine, if you arent going to regret coming to the hospital, they'll make sure you do. And in we go... the nurse preps my arm for an IV. I've never had one of these before and it certainly wasnt on my top 10 List. I ask her about "alternaciones" or "d'leau" and I'm basically trying to stall her with any nonsense I can think of so she'll forget what she was doing and leave my arm alone!
She didnt. Obviously this sucked for me.
I cried. I cried again. and again for what may have been the next 2 hours until the doctor barged in on my pity-party and took my sars mask off. "Deeahnne, good news. It doesnt look like you have viral meningitis. " I un-enthusiastically reply, "Super."

I'll admit it. At this point, I was broken. I was hurt. I was hot. I was cold. I was still sweating. And now even my sars mask was gone. That mask had actually become quite comforting to me, and what? In walks our Hero and just rips it off me? What did this guy want? A standing ovation? He put a 10 inch needle in my back and made me see God, then decries its not meningitis? F- Off! So what then...?

"Deeahnne, we think there's a problem with your kidneys. We're admitting you into the Hospital."