The Metro Whisperer

This particular day last week I was sitting in the 4 box, as I call it. Not next to the window, but on the aisle. This is my least favorite seat on the metro because this is where you are most open to people having to touch you. Its really a double whammy of people on the aisle waiting to scrounge your seat and its also the outlet to the people on your inside needing to get out. Being that I have a 36inch inseam, my legs are usually in the way, and almost always over what would be the half way mark for me and my opposite companion. It's not knocking boots. Its more like knockin knees and its not cool.

So there I am, staring blankly as one does when on the metty, listening to itunes on Bond, and then I see her. She comes and sits right in front of me. My direct opposite.
Ok how do I explain this lady? Have you ever just seen someone walking down the street or something and you can tell they're pissed? Like their face is all red or flushed and they're just super mad about something? Their gait is a little faster, a little more determined? Because maybe they are going to cap someone? So OK. This is her. Sitting right across from me. Seething and enraged, face scrunched up and twitching and now looking right at me. She moves her glance from me to the outside window, and then back at me. Its almost as though shes thinking of tossing me over. I can feel it. But what did I do? Ive been here minding my own business for at least 4 stops before she even got on. Ive been having phone text sex with the kiwi, so actually, if anything, Ive been sitting here with perma-grin, and maybe even a little squirmish in my seat. (note to readers: yes this is what people are doing when they are smiling and texting on public transportation) Im happy. Im fine. Whats the deal with this bird??

So she is looking at me. I look back. She is now muttering and mumbling and lost in the glare from her reflection in the window. I then decide to lean forward a touch to see if I can smell any booze or other contaminants on her. She seems to be scent-free. So I continue looking, ok fine, Im staring, but not directly. Im staring just past her, but really Im looking right into her. Im filled with nice and calm thoughts for her. Her distress is making me so uneasy I decide to invoke" the secret." I am going to mentally talk this woman down from the ledge. Just thinking to her "Ok ok ok its gonna be OK. Everything will be fine. Deep breaths..." Then I look away to give her a few minutes to absorb. When I looked back she wasnt shaking anymore and her face had relaxed a bit.

Back to me. Phone text sex, phone text sex... la la la la la..giggle giggle

Back to the lady. She is still on edge so I try it again. "Its ok. Its all gonna be OK. What could be so bad? Look how calm and happy I am? Just relax. Everything is going to be fine..." All this with my distant stare into her. Then- with God as my witness, the woman relaxed her face, she just completely changed gears, and even broke a faint smile. She got up and exited the train a stop later.

It was then that I realized my true calling. I am the Metro Whisperer.