2 Drink Minimum

At the hospital-- again. I feel like Im here all the time. Maybe I should take up residence? Its close to my office in Levallois, the café here is great, and most everyone speaks English--fluently.

During my last visit, I accidentaly called my Doctor "dude." So I guess you could say we've grown quite close as I usually save that term of endearment for my brothers, my sister, close friends, my parents and business associates.

The Doc asks, " Are you still smoking?" And I reply to her like I would my own Mother. With a looong drawn-in breath followed by an even deeper, and overly-exaggerated exhale, "duuuuuuuuuude." And then we share a laugh and that's that.

Maybe its these nice moments that keep bringing me back or maybe its the fact that Ive been urged to come in to make a mammogram apearance. But as long as Im here I thought Id pick up a prescription for an upper of some sort and am also thinking of going back on the pill. And statistically speaking through my thorough calculations and research, it appears as though I was having a lot more sex when I was on the pill before. I stopped taking it when I got to France, so actually, now that I think about it, what brought the slow spell on? The pill or the France?

My original theory to go back was out of sheer optimism but now that Im having second thoughts maybe its better I go off the French? Maybe Ill look into some import/export action? I have had my eye on this kiwi for a while now. Maybe its time to flirt with that disaster for a while? And by disaster I do mean me. This man has me shaking with excitement lately and I dont really know what to do about it for once. All I know for certain is that Id much rather be in Australia with him than sitting in the waiting room of this fucking hospital. Oh God I hope I dont have to do any needle blood stuff today. bah. See its happening. The longer I sit here, the faster and further my mind wanders. Needles, plastic thingys, charts, graphs, and swabs- I hate it.

More than this though, I hate waiting! Why havent they called me yet? Im so tired.I could just take a little napper snapper while Im sitting here bored. The AC does feel nice and my legs are already partially numbed from the increasingly uncomfortable chair im sitting on. A little doze might be fine, then again, I snooze, I lose and I might miss my turn. Ok new plan.
(clear throat, sit up straight) Look alive!
Too bad my Doc is a woman. If she were a man I could just flash some cleav-o and be on my way. Not to mention I am the only "un-prego" bird in this place. At least I think! Fingers crossed and add that to the list of things to sort with her today.

Lets see what else do I need? what? I mean as long as Im here and all... Its like stopping at a 7-11 on a road trip. You may not have to go pee now, but you certainly will as soon as you pull out of the lot. Guaranteed. Same goes for canned coffees and sour patch kids. Yes you just had breakfast but inevitably it'll be time for a snack. So get 'em while the gettins good! Thats what I always say. (Actually Ive never said that before, but it did seem to work nice in the context). Lets see what else have I never said? "If you cant beat em, join em!" "Take time to smell the roses!" OK Im sufficiently bored now and in desperate need of a nap. If anyone is still reading, please accept the following: "On behalf of Diane and I, we'd really like to offer you our sincerest apologies for boring you while we wait for the dude." Which by the way, Where is she? Does she have other patients or something? Im clearly irate now.

[30 minutes and one successful disco nap later!]

"Deeaahhne Meeshelle? ... Deeaahhne Meeshelle?"

Oui Oui! salut!

In I go.

We ca va and how are you for a few minutes before we get down to business. (At the AHP, American Hospital of Paris, its not enough to just " its good" in French. you must also "its good" in English. Its a bi-lingual comfortable thing I think) Anyway, Ill tell her Im here for the 6h30 Mammo (yes I call it that) and she shakes her head No and then asks me what Im doing here? She says, " oh well honey, you need to be over in radiation for that. We dont do that here."
I look at her with complete disbelief and fascination.

"Well how was I supposed to know that? I told your lady friend out there in the front office with the phones and files that I was here for my mammo appt and she didnt say a word! Did she not think that supplying me with that bit of valuable information would be important for me today, or...?"

"Oh," she says, "I dont know. You know how it is."

Actually I didnt. But whats done is done.
"Ok, well lets come back to that. Ive got a lot of other ground to cover with you today. First off, I never received that upper prescription you were supposed to send me in the mail a few weeks ago? Also, I think I need to go back on the pill. For regulation and optimism purposes only. And actually while we are on the subject of babies, you think you have time to check on that last bit? Ive actually missed a couple months..."

"Sure! she says. "Go take your pants off and put your feet up!" This is also what I imagine the dialogue to be at both the Playboy mansion and the seedier parts of Bangkok. Both comfortable and awkward at the same time...

Ok so up-up-up(this is my newest and latest french-ism. its sort of like tac-tac-tac). Anyway, she works her magic and does some investigatory research, and suddenly says,

" Well, you're pregnant."

I gasp in horror, voice raised well over louder than appropriate, "What? What!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean I wanted the test, but truly didnt think that a positive result would even be an option. I just like to be sure and cover my bases and well Ive only had one close call in the past couple months so... I mean Ive never in a million years thought this would be possible. Not now! I mean, this kind of stuff doesnt happen to me. It just doesnt! The panic set in, Im closing in on tears, and then the vomit started to crawl up into my throat... and finally

"Just kidding," she says.


And at this I am completely dumbstruck.My mouth hanging open. I look at her. I look down. I look left. I look right. Back and forth trying to find the words. I couldnt speak.

"Oh," I say slowly. "Well... if its a reaction you were looking for I guess we got one didn't we?"

"yeah, really!" she says.

And then in the next breath, I kid you not, she says, "So...are you stressed?"

"um yeah. Remember me? Im deeahhne? We spoke about 5 minutes ago about you giving me an anti anxiety prescription? I said I wanted to be medicated and thought coping through drugs (read: and alcohol) would be a great idea for me and you said fine... Any of this ringing a bell or were you too busy plotting out your next one-liner?"

So the rest is downhill, all went fine, but still no mammo, so I have to go back yet again in the next couple weeks. Obviously I'm really looking forward to it.

Who knows though, maybe the technician peeps in radiation have a stage and lights for their comedy routine... 2 drink minimum please.